Dear Ex, Aamin Na Ako! by Celeste (Book Excerpt)

Here’s another bold yet real and rational piece from Celeste’s soon to be launched book.

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GAYME OVER

I should have built up a wall, brick by brick, and protected my heart.

But I did not.

Heartbreaks after heartbreaks, I should have started thinking, ” I will never be hurt like that again! ” So I could keep my heart wrapped up, hidden and safe.

But, that isn’t my thing.

Para kasi sa’kin, there’s another way to play the game. And that is to return to the playing field!

Dauntlessness or stupidity? Call it whatever! For me, safety is just highly overrated.
—–

And so I met this guy…Gayme Over

You know this story very well; you can’t have him and it’s obvious that it may lead nowhere yet you cling to — Baka naman pwede…sana pwede…

Some of my friends are telling me that it won’t work, na self-inflicted pain na ‘to (come on, people!) but you still can’t let go of the anticipation — what if it does?

Before, I thought that it was just “wanting” that I was chasing after and not having or liking. That I just recognized the possibility and get hooked on chasing after that.

I thought it was just the same reason we go crazy inside outlet malls and buy everything that seems like a steal, yet we get home and wonder why the hell we needed to buy all those. You know, the rush of wanting.

Okay. Let’s get this straight.

I am liking a bisexual (just liking? yeah right!). He doesn’t think he’s a woman in a man’s body. He’s a guy attracted to other guys and occasionally gets attracted to women (that, he said).

Whenever they ask the reason I am into him, I always need some time before I can give my answer. It’s not that I am running out of things to say but because I can’t say enough.

He has his own story, own desires and a protagonist in his narrative. He is in a league of his own.

What I feel for him is a combination of aesthetic attraction and physical response. At this point, nakikita ko nang nakataas ang kilay ng mga kaibigan ko. Nagsimula naman talaga ang lahat sa…well, he has this razor-sharp wit and on-point style. He’s playful yet edgy. Fine! Eto na! He’s good-looking and he’s undeniably hot! I am sensually drawn to how he’ll pull me closer…(come on, you know what I mean!) That #iSANTIkim lang, okay na!

Please don’t get me wrong. I have high respect for the guy and his sexual preference(s). But I just can’t help it. I’m saying this with vulnerable sincerity.

He’s a game changer. I thought I knew everything but I caught myself needing guidelines to keep me sane! D*mn it! Like, Hey! You can’t act too eager. Don’t be like you are too interested because he might not like it. You can’t make the first move or initiate anything, that’s desperate. That was my ego talking. Then the other part of me was like — So, you want me to act aloof and unattainable? Hey! Ako ‘yung may gusto, ‘di ba? Do you want me to ruin anything potentially great before it ever lands a chance to get off the ground? When did we start caring more about winning games than actually fall in love? (Wait. Did I just mention love?)

I’m not saying that every (romantic) interest you pursue has to reach a different level. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having it just steamy-right. Let’s be honest. That’s what we like about this—we feel like we are in control but not quite having it all figured out. And that makes us crazy, it hurts so good.

Why can’t we just be and allow our current reality (feelings) similar to how we allow each and every breath? We can be open without seeking and only take action driven by intuition which naturally feels right.

Now, why would I care about texting first, double texting, calling when I feel like it and expressing my interest? I’d rather lay out all my cards than waste my time on silly games. Fine. I don’t want that to sound hypocritical. Of course, dumaan din ako sa, “What could have I done differently?”, “Was it something I said?” , “Was I too intense?” “What the hell is happening?” The emotional struggle is real, people! We just need to be mature enough to actually say how we feel. Don’t cloak your motives with mind tricks. Own your part, let go of the rest.

Well, this doesn’t mean I am not romantically selective. That I can cut loose whenever there’s an opportunity. It’s just that, I know what I feel towards him (without any doubt and confusion). You don’t fall for every guy you meet, do you? This is just about him.

Love isn’t something you can win through calculated moves. I’m telling you. (Wait. Did I mention love, again?)

Think about a roller coaster. What makes it work isn’t the steep drops, the loops, screws and turns; it is the long build up at the beginning.

Drop the game and let’s keep it real.

—–

Why do you keep on telling me that this is too good to be true? What’s not to like about you? I understand that, in your world full of earl’s, you might not need a countess. You may be my next heartbreak, I don’t care. I can deal with the mess later.

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As I was reading the excerpt, I was thinking of giving him/her a lecture about love. But who am I? What I know is, Love Wins and will always do. Love will always be for the courageous soul – beyond rejections, misrepresentation and mistrust. Love will always prevail. Never be scared to love more and be vulnerable. Wow, VULNERABLE – big word. Vulnerability beyond Strength – that I think is where you can find and fight for love.

An excerpt that will let you reflect and see a different side of love.

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