Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Dr. Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer (Book Review)

Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No
Author: Dr. Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer
Ratings: 5/5

This must be a book that is made for me and for others who has this what they call the “disease to please”. When a person over extend herself/himself to others and is loosing her own identity, in the process, just to please other people. Some also calls them “people pleaser”.

Sad to say, I am one of those people and as I read this book, it pained me to accept the fact that I am a passive one (and so with my family). Though it can be shameful on my part, acknowledging this fact can be a good start to be cured from this disease.

Base from this book here are the qualities of an assertive person:

  • Reveals himself
  • Has an active orientation to make things happen
  • Communicate with people on all level
  • Acts in a way he himself respects

Assertation = Self Esteem = Success/Pretensions.

“As long as you act assertively, you maintain your self-esteem. You may fail and feel disappointed and frustrated but your core of self-respect remains.”

“They mistake the essential difference between being selfish in the bad sense and selfish in the good sense.”

“You’ve confused the goal of being liked with the goal of being respected.”

“You’re so caught up in the need for being liked that you sacrifice your own self-respect.”

“Through ignorance of fear, many people do not create any action plans for their own lives.”

“You must recognize your rights and stand up for them. If you do not, other people will define your role for you and you stop being yourself.”

This is another psychology book that I enjoyed reading. There are numerous points to ponder and could give you a nudge on how to live an assertive life.

I can’t say that I will be living an assertive life from now on because it can’t be done in a breeze and will definitely take some time. Nevertheless, I can start doing assertive things little by little. And as what they call “baby steps” for you to get to your goal.

This book gave me a handful wisdom about self respect and how to stand up for your own rights as a person.

“Aggressiveness” and “Assertiveness” were also explained well in this book. The difference of the two and some practical examples that differentiates them from each other.

Being tagged as an aggressive person is one of my fears before as well, because sometimes, I also can’t control my feelings and my emotions. I have the tendency to blurt out some inappropriate words and deeds when provoked and most of the times, won’t do any good for me and the situation itself.

It made me realize that I can be an assertive one without being aggressive by controlling what you say and what you do.

Assertiveness is not about being conceited and being selfish, its about knowing your rights and standing up for it. I can also say that this book can cure not only the “disease to please” syndrome but also some “inferiority complex” that some people experience (like me).

The true to life cases or scenario presented were also helpful and makes me feel less anxious knowing that I am not only the one who has that type of problems.

Above all, the best learning I got here was to maintain your self-respect no matter what you do and say.

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